


Can't Say

by crazyjane



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22662934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyjane/pseuds/crazyjane
Summary: Since he’s been gone, every word exchanged with Hongbin has been surface level. Nothing of substance, nothing that even hints at what Hongbin might be feeling. No opening for Hakyeon to deepen the conversation, but he knows that’s an excuse. What it comes down to, all of this, is that he’s a coward. That he had to go away to realise how he feels, and that he can’t bring himself to say anything because he can’t risk losing what he has now.Then, the photo.
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Lee Hongbin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32





	Can't Say

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was _supposed_ to be working on _Song of the Curse_ ... but then I saw [this picture](https://www.instagram.com/p/B8X_ypABAQu/?igshid=1owtz8pfmqyv4) on Instagram and nearly had a heart attack.
> 
> Which, naturally, led to me wondering, what if ...

Hakyeon’s not superstitious. He doesn’t believe in fate, or destiny, or the idea that there are guardian angels who exist just to protect you and help you along in life. Anything that happens to you, happens through a frustrating combination of chance and hard work. There’s nothing supernatural about it. He knows that, he believes it implicitly. It’s a philosophy that’s got him through really hard times, and helped him stay grounded through some of the unbelievable successes that have brought him to where he is today. No one’s looking out for him except himself.

But sometimes - just sometimes - he really, _really_ wants to be wrong about this. Times like now, when he’s stuck in a taxi that’s crawling along in traffic, catching every red light and running into what feels like every roadwork or breakdown in Seoul. When the driver is alternately singing along (badly) with the radio and cursing their lack of progress. When the window won’t open more than a crack and Hakyeon’s uniform is hot and scratchy and too tight around the collar. When the meter’s ticking over, and time is rapidly running out. Right now, he’d gladly welcome divine intervention. Naturally, the universe fails to oblige.

His phone is still clutched tightly in his hand. The screen’s dark, but Hakyeon doesn’t need to press the pad of his finger against the sensor to see the picture waiting behind the lock, because it’s burned into his mind. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t banish it. Can’t push away the mental image of the bride in her exquisite white gown, a smile of perfect happiness on her face as she looks at the man beside her, holding her hand. Can’t unsee the engagement ring on her third finger catching the light of the camera flash. Worst of all, he can’t make himself forget the way Hongbin’s eyes on her are soft and fond, the way he leans towards her like they’re in their own private space despite the rest of the wedding party who crowd around them.

There’s no wedding ring on their fingers ( _not yet_ , comes Hakyeon’s treacherous thought), so the photo, taken only around half an hour ago according to the time stamp, must be a pre-ceremony gathering. Some of the revellers are holding half-empty champagne flutes, and one man at the back has his glass raised, his mouth open in mid-toast. His face is as familiar as Hongbin’s; Lee Hyunwoo, friend and co-star from _Moorim School_. Hakyeon didn’t know they still kept in touch. But then, he didn’t know about … the rest of it. 

_Why didn’t he tell me?_ Yes, he’d lost touch with Hongbin, with all of them, to an extent. Too many demands on his time, restricted contact with the outside world, drills and rehearsals and parades that tired him out so much that sometimes he was just too exhausted to check his messages or call. Once a week at least, that was his rule, reaching out to the people who’d been his whole world for so many years. Listening to Jaehwan gush about his musical theatre success, Wonshik tear his hair out over the minutiae of running his own company. Telling Taekwoon and Hyuk how proud he was of their solo success.

Stilted, awkward conversations with Hongbin that were made up of silences and false starts. The sense that they were talking past each other. That there were things that needed to be said, and never were. _It’s my fault_ , Hakyeon thinks miserably. Not prepared for how much his separation from Hongbin hurt, more than the others. Not seeing what was right in front of him until he was billeted behind guarded gates and lying awake at night listening to the men sleeping all around him, feeling completely alone. Alone with his thoughts and his memories, all circling back to Hongbin. Laughter, and tears, incredible stress and the unforgettable high of performance. Sharing meals and getting half-drunk together. The scowl on Hongbin’s face when Hakyeon draped all over him, the half-hearted push away that had no force behind it. Keeping each other company late at night when they were both too wired to sleep, not talking, just the two of them on the couch with the lights out and the curtains open, staring at the city nightscape.

The way Hongbin turned away with a breezy goodbye on the day Hakyeon left, and Hakyeon convinced himself he didn’t hear a tremble in Hongbin’s voice or see a sheen across his eyes.

 _He told me he was happy. He said I didn’t need to worry. He told me_ … nothing, really. Nothing that matters, Hakyeon realises now. Since he’s been gone, every word exchanged with Hongbin has been surface level. Nothing of substance, nothing that even hints at what he might be feeling. No opening for Hakyeon to deepen the conversation, but he knows that’s an excuse. What it comes down to, all of this, is that he’s a coward. That he had to go away to realise how he feels, and that he can’t bring himself to say anything because he can’t risk losing what he has now. 

And then the photo, and the hollow, sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, and _I’m losing it anyway_. He’d stammered and tripped over his plea to the CO that he needed to leave _right now_ , a family emergency that absolutely required his presence. Time drained away as he watched the man consider; on the verge of simply turning and running, at first he didn’t hear permission being granted. Then rushing away without even a thank you. Knowing how unlikely it was that he could make it. Needing to try, anyway.

A particularly screechy high note from the driver drags Hakyeon back to full awareness. The traffic’s moving, finally, but still _too slow_. The clock on the dashboard display tells him it’s been nearly an hour, and there’s still no sign of the reception venue. _I’m not going to make it_ , he thinks despairingly. In a movie, there would be a sudden power failure, or the celebrant would get locked in a bathroom stall, or any one of a dozen unlikely events that would delay the wedding just long enough. This isn’t a movie, though, and there’s no guardian angel. There’s only this driver, and too much bad luck, and no amount of hard work that can change things. 

Then, just as he sees the sign pointing into the venue carpark, everything grinds to a halt again, and it’s too much to bear. Hurriedly tapping his phone (and telling himself he doesn’t see the photo) to pay the driver, Hakyeon’s out and dodging through the idling cars, pushing through a clump of afternoon shoppers laden with bags who take up the whole footpath and for some reason need to stop to look at _every_ store window display. He barely avoids bowling over a child who’s more interested in his ice cream than the man barrelling towards him. Right at the entrance to the carpark, he doesn’t look before plunging inside and the squeal of brakes tells him he’s almost managed to get hit by a departing car.

There are two reception rooms in the venue and for a moment Hakyeon stops, confused. But there is only silence from one of them, while laughter and music spills out from behind the closed doors. He moves towards them, only to be brought up short by a sudden burst of cheers and applause. 

_I’m too late. I’m too late. Too late._

The world doesn’t end. He doesn’t collapse. He doesn’t break down in tears or scream with anger at how he’s been cheated. He doesn’t feel _anything_. 

He turns away from the doors, marvelling at how calm he is. How rational. He will walk out of here and book another taxi, and let it carry him back to base. He’ll face whatever consequences await him, and he’ll be in time for dinner, and rehearsal. There’s laundry that needs to be done, and he promised he’d help Yunho with his solo. He won’t think about what he’s lost. What he might have had, if only he hadn’t been so stupid and afraid. He’s fine. He’ll be fine. And Hongbin will …

He barely registers how the noise behind him swells, then cuts off again. The automatic doors in front of him slide open, and he takes one step, two. And then … 

‘ _Hakyeon?_ ’

Hakyeon falters, his eyes closing. _Not fast enough_. He doesn’t look. He doesn’t speak. A hand on his arm, turning him, the smell of champagne, cologne, _Hongbin_ , too close.

‘Hyung, what are you doing here?’

 _I came to stop you. I came to tell you what I should have told you months ago. I came because I knew there was no hope, but I had to try_. He says none of this, because really, what would be the point? Saying anything now would just be cruel. So he says nothing at all.

Hongbin isn’t satisfied with silence, though. ‘What is it? What’s happened? Talk to me.’ Still Hakyeon doesn’t answer. ‘At least look at me.’ Hakyeon knows he should make an excuse and walk away quickly. He can’t do it. ‘Please …’ Real worry creeping into Hongbin’s voice, now, and against that Hakyeon has no defence. He opens his eyes to see Hongbin, face tight with concern. ‘Why did you come?’

 _He doesn’t want me here_ , Hakyeon thinks. _He didn’t forget to tell me. He didn’t want me to know. He’s shut me out_. A spike of anger, because maybe he is a coward, and maybe he’s just as responsible for the rift between them, but it can’t justify what Hongbin’s done. _You lied to me_ , thinks Hakyeon, and it gives him enough strength to look away and say coldly, formally, ‘I hope you’ll be very happy together.’ 

Nothing. No answer, but Hongbin’s hand slips from Hakyeon’s arm, and that’s answer enough. Hakyeon turns away again, and this time lets his feet carry him through the doors and out into the carpark. _It’s done. It’s over_. 

‘What?’ says Hongbin behind him, sounding lost and stupid. ‘ _What?_ ’ 

_I can do this. I just have to keep walking and not look back. He’ll go back inside, and she’ll smile at him, and he’ll_... 

Running footsteps, and he’s grabbed and spun around, and Hongbin’s right in his face and his voice is high and bewildered, ‘What the _hell_ are you talking about?’ Like he doesn’t know. 

‘You never told me,’ says Hakyeon. He can’t meet Hongbin’s eyes, and really, that’s fine, because he might be standing here stating the painfully obvious, and he can just about do that, but if he looks at Hongbin that cold anger might give way. And he’s not going to let Hongbin see him break down. 

‘Told you _what_?’

‘We talked on the phone. We texted. You even came to see me with Hyukkie. And you never said a word.’ 

‘You’re not making any sense, hyung …’

Hakyeon’s fists clench. Hongbin’s never been stupid, so these protests are what makes no sense. _Just admit it_. ‘When were you going to tell me? After the honeymoon? When my service was over? Never?’

‘Wait …’

But Hakyeon can’t stop himself now. ‘Obviously you didn’t want me here, but you lied to me, Hongbin. I had to find out about your wedding on _Instagram_ , do you have any idea how that felt?’ Tightness in his chest. ‘Did you think I wouldn’t approve? That I’d hate you and never want to see you again? Don’t you know I could _never_ do that, even if …’ He stops himself, barely in time. Abruptly, the anger drains right out of him, and he can’t keep the ache out of his voice. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ In spite of himself, he looks up to see Hongbin gaping at him. _I’ve said too much_ , he thinks. _I should leave_. 

Hongbin’s mouth twitches.‘You thought I …’ He shakes his head. ‘You actually thought … I was getting _married_?’’ And then, shockingly, he _laughs_. 

Hakyeon can only stand there, stunned, watching Hongbin double over, clutching at his middle as laughter shakes his whole body and leaves him gasping for breath. When at last he straightens up, he takes one look at Hakyeon’s face and dissolves again. ‘I can’t believe it,’ he wheezes. ‘You _idiot_ , hyung.’

Of all the possible ways Hakyeon thought Hongbin might react to his presence, this was the one thing he never imagined. He hears, _idiot_ , and the anger is back, turned in on himself. _Fool_ , he thinks, _fool to have come here_. ‘You’re right,’ he says, the frost back in his voice. ‘I shouldn’t have bothered.’

It’s like a slap in the face; Hakyeon can see the instant the merriment vanishes. Hongbin says hurriedly, ‘I didn’t mean …’

‘You made yourself very clear. I’ll go.’ He’s already turning as he speaks, and Hongbin’s hand is on his arm _again_ , and he’s so close Hakyeon can almost taste his breath.

‘Don’t. Don’t go.’ Hongbin reaches out with his other hand to clasp Hakyeon’s. A tiny, ridiculous gesture, one that any friend might make towards another, but Hakyeon knows that for Hongbin, there’s nothing casual about it. Because Hongbin doesn’t touch, not unless he has to … and yet all he’s done since he first saw Hakyeon here is touch him, over and over. ‘It’s not my wedding,’ he says, and the words don’t make sense at all. ‘It’s Miyoun’s. You remember her, from _Moorim School_?’ Hakyeon doesn’t, but Hongbin rushes on. ‘A few of us from the show were talking, and we knew she wasn’t having a big wedding, so we decided to just surprise her and wish her well, and we were going to just go, but she invited us to stay for the reception, and …’ He trails off, seeing the confusion on Hakyeon’s face. ‘Hyung, is that why you came? You thought I would just get married like that?’

It’s so clear now. So obvious. Why the only people in the photo were actors from that one drama. Why all the men’s suits, though well-made, didn’t look like a set. Why there were no bridesmaids. Most of all - why Hongbin never said anything. _There was nothing to tell_ , thinks Hakyeon with a dawning mix of relief and embarrassment, _nothing at all. What must he think of me?_ He feels his cheeks heating up and ducks his head, mumbles, ‘I’m sorry … I just wanted …’ and he can’t go on.

Hongbin cups his face, then, and his hands are cool against Hakyeon’s flaming skin. ‘You came all the way over here. You dropped everything, you must have. Why? It wasn’t just because you thought I’d left you out, was it? Why did you come, Hakyeon? Please, tell me the truth.’

 _I can’t_. It’s too great a risk, and coming on the heels of his stupid, headlong dash across the city for what turned out to be no reason at all, the idea of confessing why he really came is more than Hakyeon can bear. Especially since it’s something he only finally let himself realise when he thought his world was crashing down around him.

‘Did you come to stop me?’ Unable to meet Hongbin’s eyes, Hakyeon can only nod. 

_He knows_ , Hakyeon thinks, his heart sinking. _He knows, and now he’ll pull away_.

Hongbin pulls in a sharp, unsteady breath. ‘Oh, thank god.’ 

Startled, Hakyeon’s eyes flick up to meet Hongbin’s. What he sees there - vulnerability, pain, and something that looks impossibly like hope - jolts adrenaline through him, setting his pulse racing. Still, he can’t quite bring himself to believe it. ‘I don’t understand,’ he whispers.

‘Don’t you?’ Before Hakyeon can answer, Hongbin’s closed the last distance between them, and his lips brush against Hakyeon’s, just the barest touch before he draws back and looks up with fearful eyes. ‘I’m … I’m sorry, I …’ 

‘You kissed me,’ says Hakyeon.

‘I … I didn’t mean …’

A slow, stupid smile stretches Hakyeon’s mouth. ‘You _kissed_ me.’

Hongbin sighs, his shoulders slumping. ‘I know. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, it’s just … you came after me, you thought I was going to get married, and …’ His voice drops, and his next words are so soft that Hakyeon has to strain to hear. ‘I wouldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t, because … there isn’t anyone I _could_ marry, there never has been. Only you, and we can’t, even if you … and I know you don’t feel like that, but … you came after me.’ 

_Only you. Only **you**_. Hakyeon stares at Hongbin, those two words beating in his head, over and over. It’s impossible. It can’t be true. Things like this don’t happen, because life isn’t a movie and it was just a random impulse that made him check his social media and see that photo and be willing to throw everything away if only it meant he could reach Hongbin in time. Just luck that Hongbin stopped him before he could leave. There’s no grand plan to any of this. And yet … 

‘You never said anything.’ Hakyeon’s tone is gentle, but Hongbin still flinches. ‘I wish you had.’ He takes hold of Hongbin’s hand, interlacing their fingers. Still, Hongbin’s eyes are skittish, and Hakyeon hurts to see it, because he knows he’s the one who put that fear there. ‘I made it hard for you, and I’m sorry. I never knew how to tell you. I was afraid, and things have been so strained between us, and ...’ And now the moment is here, and he’s not afraid anymore, and he finally has the words he needs. ‘Hongbin, I came after you because I couldn’t bear the idea of letting you go. Not without telling you that I love you.’

Hongbin lets out a small, pained noise, and pitches forward, and Hakyeon catches him up and pulls him into his arms. Their lips meet, and Hongbin gives himself up to Hakyeon’s kiss, sighing when Hakyeon licks into his mouth and slipping his hands into Hakyeon’s hair. They’re standing in the middle of a public carpark with people all around them, Hakyeon’s in uniform and he’s kissing another man in defiance of everything his society tells him is correct behaviour, and if anyone recognises them he’ll be drummed out of the service and their careers could both be over. None of that matters, because Hongbin’s in his arms, and Hongbin’s kissing him, and Hongbin _loves_ him. Despite all the silence, all the fear, all the stupid misunderstanding, because of a series of utterly improbable events that just doesn’t happen in real life that looks suspiciously like someone’s arranged it that way. Someone looking out for him.

When they finally come up for air, they lean their foreheads together, arms wrapped around each other and smile into each other’s eyes, and stay right where they are. No one objects, no one tells them what they're doing is wrong or that they have to leave. It's like they exist in their own, protected space. And Hakyeon finds himself thinking that perhaps there might just be enough room in his philosophy for a guardian angel, after all.


End file.
